One of the sobering experiences of working with clients is, you are constantly faced with ongoing reflections of a cornucopia of behaviours, attitudes and unconscious processes that, at some point you will, as a clinician, but most importantly as a human being, identify with.
That is one of the reasons why we must constantly have an acute knowledge of our own self awareness and maintain a healthy balance of our own issues. In an ideal world and in textbooks, this works seamlessly. But in reality, this can be nothing short of a herculean task; and, depending on what is going on in your own life, it becomes an even bigger struggle. It helps to be aware of what your own stuff is so as not to get drawn into your client's projection of their own issues.
It is impossible to overemphasise the importance and power of self awareness. Equally, it is quite incredible to observe the number of people who have little or no insight into who they are and display a lack of self awareness that is comparable to that of an infant.
Awareness is the first step in healing or changing. When we have some behaviour or pattern deeply buried in us, becoming aware is a prerequisite to healing the condition. Each moment is a new beginning and the point of power is always in the present moment. The present is where change can always take place. The past is gone forever and the future is out of our control, but the present … the 'now', is what is within our control. That is why it is a gift (a present).
It doesn't matter how long we may have had a negative pattern, poor choices in relationships, bad handling of finances, harmful behaviour, whatever it may be; changes can take place right here, right now in our mind, that can turn our lives around. Much as many of us like to think someone else is in control of our happiness or prosperity or well being, you are actually the power and authority in your world. Continuing to think the same old thoughts, to believe the same old things and to say the same old things, and refusing to change them will result in the same old problems and prognosis.
Stop and catch your thoughts, your utterances. It may not be as easy as you think because it happens so quickly and we have conditioned ourselves to having them without being conscious of it, so it would be quite hard work to actually be aware of when it is happening, and to change the course of your thinking for better.
Impatience is a resistance to learning and change. Acknowledging responsibility and culpability for the part we might have played in creating the situation or condition we find ourselves in is a position of awareness and power because it also implies a willingness and readiness to make changes. This is not to be confused with feelings of guilt, self pity or castigating oneself. It is more about acknowledging the power within you.
Some of our biggest lessons can be learnt through awareness. Your greatest lesson at the moment is probably tied around what you consider the hardest thing for you to do and how much you resist it, regardless of how big or small the challenge is. I can certainly think of a couple of things I have been resisting for some time, which is now firmly in my conscious mind, and I am observing my resistance; but I am also making the mental changes, intent on going ahead anyway.
How many times have you made a decision to make some significant changes in your life because you have identified a need to do so and the minute you prepare to embark on the process, you somehow manage to conjure up a myriad of reasons why it can't be done at that time or at all? It's your unconscious resistance to change. Too often, we decide which one of our friends needs to change, instead of working on our own changes.
Repeated patterns show us our needs. The need corresponds with some belief that we hold on to. Without this need, we would not have to do it. It's almost akin to the physiological, psychological or emotional need a person has for a drug or any other harmful behaviour. As bizarre and incomprehensible as it may sound, there is something within us that has a need for poor relationships, failures, anger, abuse, or whatever there is that's a problem for us. We have invested in these behaviours for whatever reason.
I had a client who was very intelligent, had been successful in her career and had the potential to rise to heady heights and to be quite accomplished, which was something she said was her aspiration. However, in order to take her career to the next level that would give her the financial security she needed as well as the career satisfaction she not only deserved but that would make her feel relevant and confident, she needed to complete certain academic requirements.
She would embark on the courses, but would not complete them at the last haul. It was not that she was incapable of doing the work, but she always wound up with other life events that rendered her incapable of completing the work; so, she was always one step away from her goal, which enabled her to encourage the chatter in her mind that told her she was not good enough and how tragic her life was. In one of our sessions, I asked her if she was afraid of success and she looked at me with incredulity. She thought it was the most outrageous statement for me to make, but after much work and exploration of her resistances, we unearthed her fear of taking responsibility for her life.
By not allowing herself to take that next step which would require her to be a grown up, in charge and control of her life and destiny, she might remain a vulnerable, helpless non adult – a role she had played all her life and was holding on to out of fear of what it would feel like to be held responsible, with no one to blame for her mistakes.
